Friday, November 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
A Damn Fine Explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boot you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boot you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Wife : Honey ...... What are you looking for?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ...??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ...??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.
That's the way roadsigns should be..
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
Politician
A politician visited a car factory. The manager went out of the way to show him around & at the end of the tour, offered the Minister a free car.
'Oh, no,' said the Minister, 'I cannot accept it.'
'In that case I'll sell it to you for one hundred.'
The Minister handed the Manager two one-hundred notes:
"In that case, I'll have two."
'Oh, no,' said the Minister, 'I cannot accept it.'
'In that case I'll sell it to you for one hundred.'
The Minister handed the Manager two one-hundred notes:
"In that case, I'll have two."
Johnny comes back to his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it to pole "Thanks for the complement"
He writes a note and sticks it to pole "Thanks for the complement"
Monday, August 28, 2006
Three patients
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked
the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked
the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
IKEA job interview
As an old man was driving down the freeway, his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
Made in Japan
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan! Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge !!!
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....very fast!.... Made in Japan!
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan! Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge !!!
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....very fast!.... Made in Japan!
Johnny sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.
The report said, "DELIVERED"
The report said, "DELIVERED"
Friday, August 25, 2006
The 3 Detectives
A policeman was testing 3 brothers who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first one a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first one answers, "That's easy; we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second one and asks him, "This is your suspect, and how would you recognize him?"
The second one smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third one and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
He looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," he replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first one a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first one answers, "That's easy; we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second one and asks him, "This is your suspect, and how would you recognize him?"
The second one smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third one and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
He looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," he replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Flash news: A 2 seaters plane crashed in a graveyard in one town. Local Johnny have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more...
It happens Only in India
They cannot miss the T.V. Serials even if there are floods!!!!
Look at the expression of worry on the husband' s face :)
Look at the expression of worry on the husband' s face :)
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans.
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans.
B.B.Q
A woman was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit, her husband looking on with disinterest remarks,
"Your bum looks like the size of a three burner B.B.Q!"
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he lent over, tapped her on the shoulder and asked hopefully;
"How about it?"
She replied "Its hardly worth lighting the B.B.Q for half a saugage"
"Your bum looks like the size of a three burner B.B.Q!"
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he lent over, tapped her on the shoulder and asked hopefully;
"How about it?"
She replied "Its hardly worth lighting the B.B.Q for half a saugage"
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Why some men do not want to get married again!
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks, the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and howed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK? "You want hors d'oeuv res, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead?
Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you're married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and howed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK? "You want hors d'oeuv res, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead?
Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you're married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife?
A - One woman brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.
A - One woman brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.
Powerful remote control
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5 days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5 days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Guess what Johan whispered?
Johan, a 'young' Malaysian tourist on his first visit to London, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and Walks away quickly.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Johan.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away too!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.
So she goes over to Johan and says that she's the best in the house and she, herself, is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And then Johan leans forward and whispers in her ear..........
Guess what Johan whispered?
See in the comment!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and Walks away quickly.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Johan.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away too!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.
So she goes over to Johan and says that she's the best in the house and she, herself, is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And then Johan leans forward and whispers in her ear..........
Guess what Johan whispered?
See in the comment!
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand!!!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
French fries
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!"
After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!"
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Creative way of ad
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Go to hell
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no lawyers in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no lawyers."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with The boss."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"
"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no lawyers in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no lawyers."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with The boss."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
"Honey," the woman replied Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Monday, August 21, 2006
Hilarious Court Cases
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Check out the last one. Tooo good.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________________________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
__________________________________________________________________
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
Check out the last one. Tooo good.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________________________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
__________________________________________________________________
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
Johnny was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked: "Why are you writing so slowly?
Johnny: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast."
Friend asked: "Why are you writing so slowly?
Johnny: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast."
Lets have a threesome
Johnny's wish: "When i die, i wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving"
Explaining Marketing Concepts
A Professor at one of the IIM's was explaining marketing concepts to the students:-
1 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing
2 You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising
3 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
telephone number. The next day, you call and say:
"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
4 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie,
you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations
5 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:
"You are very rich! Can you marry ! Me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback
7 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
-That's demand and supply gap
8 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?"
And she goes with him
- That's competition eating into your market share
9 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say:
"I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives.
- That's restriction for entering new markets
1 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing
2 You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising
3 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
telephone number. The next day, you call and say:
"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
4 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie,
you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations
5 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:
"You are very rich! Can you marry ! Me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback
7 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
-That's demand and supply gap
8 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?"
And she goes with him
- That's competition eating into your market share
9 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say:
"I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives.
- That's restriction for entering new markets
"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!"
Friday, August 18, 2006
Boys & Kotex
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Kotex and proceed to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child.
The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"
The father said: "I put a coin in the Pepsi machine and a can comes out. The Pepsi belongs to me! Not to the machine!!!"
The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"
The father said: "I put a coin in the Pepsi machine and a can comes out. The Pepsi belongs to me! Not to the machine!!!"
Monalisa in Africa, India & USA
Johnny at an Art Gallery: "I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art???
Art dealer: "I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!"
Art dealer: "I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!"
Datuk K's new bank account
I just got this sms...
Please take note.
Effective 28th August 2006, Datuk Khalid Jiwa or better known as Datuk K will transfer & deposit his mani into his new Sitibank account. Thank you.
Please take note.
Effective 28th August 2006, Datuk Khalid Jiwa or better known as Datuk K will transfer & deposit his mani into his new Sitibank account. Thank you.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire".
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire".
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
Lady : "I want a good vibrator"
Salesman: "Ma'am ! You may select one from our range that is displayed on that wall"
Lady : "O.K. I'll take that red one"
Salesman: "Sorry, that's our fire-extinguisher"
Salesman: "Ma'am ! You may select one from our range that is displayed on that wall"
Lady : "O.K. I'll take that red one"
Salesman: "Sorry, that's our fire-extinguisher"
If Statue of Liberty was in India
Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this package
Johnny: Why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it....
Johnny: Why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it....
Good Excuse
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit's still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "Yes I know no woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit's still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "Yes I know no woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Manager, interviewing a job applicant: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage."
Job Applicant: "Well Sir, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"
Job Applicant: "Well Sir, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
When silence is punishment
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, " Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him ."
God smiled. "Think about it--who can he tell ?"
One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, " Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him ."
God smiled. "Think about it--who can he tell ?"
"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."
Can you pass this PRE-SCHOOL Test?
Pre-school children were asked the following question:
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"
Look carefully at the picture.
Do you know the answer?
The only possible answers are "left" or "right."
Think about it
Still don't know?
Okay, I'll tell you.
The pre-schoolers all answered "right."
I'm sure you also can get it right, but can you give the reason why?
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the right direction?"
They answered:
See in comment.
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"
Look carefully at the picture.
Do you know the answer?
The only possible answers are "left" or "right."
Think about it
Still don't know?
Okay, I'll tell you.
The pre-schoolers all answered "right."
I'm sure you also can get it right, but can you give the reason why?
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the right direction?"
They answered:
See in comment.
Johnny told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: "It's already raining."
Johnny: "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Servant: "It's already raining."
Johnny: "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Two lawyers
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Mistress or Wife
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.
Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Proud Chinese !
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Ah Lian has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." replied Ah Lian.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Chinese," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Ah Lian why she is a Chinese.
"Well", my mom and dad are Chinese, "so I'm a Chinese too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile.
"Then" says Ah Lian, "I'd be an American ."
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Ah Lian has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." replied Ah Lian.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Chinese," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Ah Lian why she is a Chinese.
"Well", my mom and dad are Chinese, "so I'm a Chinese too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile.
"Then" says Ah Lian, "I'd be an American ."
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!
Monday, August 14, 2006
Brave Chief Financial Officer
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours.
I can look at it for hours.
Why kids should not be left alone
Johnny was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!
After much thought he wrote: Yes!
Matured than the look
A successful playboy Johnny, a seventy-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy twenty five years old blond who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Johnny's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Johnny, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Johnny replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Johnny replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Johnny smiles and says,
"No, I told her I was 90."
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Johnny, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Johnny replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Johnny replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Johnny smiles and says,
"No, I told her I was 90."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Friday, August 11, 2006
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
What's the difference between a wife and a job.
After 5 years, the job still sucks.
After 5 years, the job still sucks.
Maths
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Blood & urine test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: The future tense is "you will go to jail".
Student: The future tense is "you will go to jail".
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Lipstick on the mirror
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Man1: Why are all these people running?
Man2: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Man1: If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?
Man2: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Man1: If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?
Spammers recruitment
No wonder I'm getting more & more spams!!!
Somebody is hiring them! Got free demo some more...
Somebody is hiring them! Got free demo some more...
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
A widow.
Doctor terminology
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep!
So go to sleep!
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
The Mechanic and A Doctor
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it while it's running!"
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it while it's running!"
It matters not whether you win or lose;
what matters is whether I win or lose.
what matters is whether I win or lose.
Smart salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Five surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Definition of a Gynecologist: Someone who looks for problems where others look for pleasure!!!
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Bubble in the Bathtub
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day,
She gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, " Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: " My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, " Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
Second boy: " Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, " Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: " I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: " Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up " I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub ."
Exhausted, the teacher said, " I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: " I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: " Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: " I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
Teacher " Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl , Yes you..." the Most beautiful girl of the class :
" Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a looooong bath in the bathtub."
She gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, " Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: " My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, " Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
Second boy: " Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, " Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: " I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: " Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up " I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub ."
Exhausted, the teacher said, " I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: " I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: " Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: " I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
Teacher " Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl , Yes you..." the Most beautiful girl of the class :
" Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a looooong bath in the bathtub."
A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever"
The guy says "thanks for the warning"
The guy says "thanks for the warning"
Negotiating
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brown suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
Now give me back my dog."
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
Now give me back my dog."
Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting!
Good Old Barber In New York
There once was a very good old barber in New York. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I a m doing community service."
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Malaysian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Malaysian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there... Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Malaysian..............
.
.
.
. .
.
.
Have you got the answer?
A dozen Malaysian are waiting for a free haircut!
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Malaysian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Malaysian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there... Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Malaysian..............
.
.
.
. .
.
.
Have you got the answer?
A dozen Malaysian are waiting for a free haircut!
Don't worry that the world ends today, its already Tomorrow in Australia!
Monday, August 07, 2006
ANECDOTES
NAMES OF WIVES
One man had 4 wives, so he called his
4th wife..... baby doll,
3rd wife ....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol
HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress
while thinking a name of his country and
his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?".
RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women
because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas
while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch
MEANING OF WIFE AND HUSBAND
W --- wonderful
I --- item
F --- for
E --- entertainment
H---- handsome
U --- useful
S --- smart
B --- but
A --- at
N --- night
D --- dangerous
One man had 4 wives, so he called his
4th wife..... baby doll,
3rd wife ....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol
HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress
while thinking a name of his country and
his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?".
RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women
because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas
while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch
MEANING OF WIFE AND HUSBAND
W --- wonderful
I --- item
F --- for
E --- entertainment
H---- handsome
U --- useful
S --- smart
B --- but
A --- at
N --- night
D --- dangerous
A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"
Change your hair style
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... It makes your nose look long."
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... It makes your nose look long."
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
Honesty
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, " Father, may I ask a favor?"
" Of course. What may I do for you?"
" Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps ?"
" I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
" With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, " Father, do you have anything to declare ?"
" From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, " And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
" I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, " Go ahead, Father - - Next!"
" Of course. What may I do for you?"
" Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps ?"
" I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
" With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, " Father, do you have anything to declare ?"
" From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, " And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
" I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, " Go ahead, Father - - Next!"
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it Creative problem solving.
Friday, August 04, 2006
I don't want to go to Iraq
A soldier ran up to a nun and asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she can fully understand the fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen.
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!!!
She replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she can fully understand the fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen.
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!!!
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Email from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
Behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent
The angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
Misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
Second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and
Sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
Because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to
Help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either... :P
Behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent
The angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
Misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
Second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and
Sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
Because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to
Help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either... :P
Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
gegan to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
gegan to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: That you are a lesbian.
Husband: That you are a lesbian.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Mortgage & Bike
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him; "I was walking past your room last night
and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell
you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike !!
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him; "I was walking past your room last night
and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell
you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike !!
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know Where to shop.
History of Middle Finger
Well, now...... here's something I never knew before, and now that Iknow it. Isn't History more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all
captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be
impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they
would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was
made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the
longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset
and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the
defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental
fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."And yew thought yew knew everything.
Why did the girl wear the ring on the wrong finger?
To show people she was married to the wrong man.
To show people she was married to the wrong man.
The Pastor's Donkey
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
Next day: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND
FREE.
Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
Next day: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND
FREE.
Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.
It's the transition that's troublesome.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Reasons why life without girlfriend is cool
1. You can stare at any girls.......
2. You don't have to spend money on her.
3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is
automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything
according ur wishes anymore.
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
17. No nonstop nonsense.
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
19. No tension.
20. You can be "urself"
21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills...
2. You don't have to spend money on her.
3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is
automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything
according ur wishes anymore.
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
17. No nonstop nonsense.
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
19. No tension.
20. You can be "urself"
21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills...
Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."
Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."
Mad Cow Disease
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
One kid stands up - "we must find & stop her!".
One kid stands up - "we must find & stop her!".
Marriage & Mobile service provider
Life before marriage is HOTLINK
"You can express yourself".
During honeymoon is TMTOUCH
"Always get in Touch".
After Honeymoon is MAXIS
"Wherever you go your wife network follows".
After one year Life is DIGI
"Your wife can change your life ".
After 10 years Life is CELCOM
"Subscriber is not reachable?????????"
"You can express yourself".
During honeymoon is TMTOUCH
"Always get in Touch".
After Honeymoon is MAXIS
"Wherever you go your wife network follows".
After one year Life is DIGI
"Your wife can change your life ".
After 10 years Life is CELCOM
"Subscriber is not reachable?????????"
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too BUT if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Bargain of Relationship
My wife and I are in our midlife, sexually she is more in it than myself.
So I am a man trying to trick her back in youth by hook and crook.
Long captive in married knot of some twenty five years, I took a look at my wife
one day and I said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 22 year old beautiful woman. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed
and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me
that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is an affectionate and convincing woman. She told me with love
to fulfill my desires I should go out and find myself a hot 22 years old beautiful woman, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... Perhaps alone.
So I am a man trying to trick her back in youth by hook and crook.
Long captive in married knot of some twenty five years, I took a look at my wife
one day and I said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 22 year old beautiful woman. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed
and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me
that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is an affectionate and convincing woman. She told me with love
to fulfill my desires I should go out and find myself a hot 22 years old beautiful woman, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... Perhaps alone.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife is.
either the car is new or the wife is.
If you see anything dirty... its just your mind!
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
Magnets have a positive side!
Get Pregnant
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,
"Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,
"See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
"Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,
"See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Parrots
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem"
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes!
Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes!
Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
Thank God we can choose our friends.
Husband & Wife
Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, " You see, his name is Bill ."
Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, " My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."
Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, " Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ."
Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service!"
Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."
No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, " I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. " What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, " You see, his name is Bill ."
Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, " My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."
Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, " Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ."
Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service!"
Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."
No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, " I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. " What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Best salesman of the year
An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes
Looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?"
"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?
The Indian says, "One"
The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day.
How much was the sale for?"
The Indian says, "$101, 237.64."
The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The Indian replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we> went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing!!"
The manager fainted...
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes
Looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?"
"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?
The Indian says, "One"
The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day.
How much was the sale for?"
The Indian says, "$101, 237.64."
The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The Indian replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we> went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing!!"
The manager fainted...
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Smokers only
I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro,
In the Salem high country
I Always carry a MildSeven
I rode on a White Horse
Going to Kingsway in Kent
It was Lucky Strike I fell in love
With the daughter of Master Duke
Her name Was YSL
We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into room number 555
I laid her on the bad made of Gold Leaf
I played with her two Matterhorns
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!"
You are riding like a mad Camel
When I asked her if she is satisfied
She answered" I want MORE!!!!"
Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to
enter her Gudang Garam.
She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna !!!
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro,
In the Salem high country
I Always carry a MildSeven
I rode on a White Horse
Going to Kingsway in Kent
It was Lucky Strike I fell in love
With the daughter of Master Duke
Her name Was YSL
We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into room number 555
I laid her on the bad made of Gold Leaf
I played with her two Matterhorns
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!"
You are riding like a mad Camel
When I asked her if she is satisfied
She answered" I want MORE!!!!"
Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to
enter her Gudang Garam.
She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna !!!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Cell phones.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Gifts for the Wife
Three guys are bragging about what they bought their wives:
The first says:
I bought her something which goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds"
The other two guys don't know what he's talking about so he reveals,
"I bought her a nice Porsche"
The second guy says:
"I bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds."
"That HAS to be a Ferrari - right?"
"Yeah that's right! I bought my wife a nice red Ferrari"
The third one says:
"I bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 200 in just 2 seconds."
"THAT CAN'T BE - The Ferrari is the fastest car in the world?!"
"Well - it's not a car, but ........."
The first says:
I bought her something which goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds"
The other two guys don't know what he's talking about so he reveals,
"I bought her a nice Porsche"
The second guy says:
"I bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds."
"That HAS to be a Ferrari - right?"
"Yeah that's right! I bought my wife a nice red Ferrari"
The third one says:
"I bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 200 in just 2 seconds."
"THAT CAN'T BE - The Ferrari is the fastest car in the world?!"
"Well - it's not a car, but ........."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"
Cool cK ad
How many letters in the Alphabet?
19, cos ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
19, cos ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
Why I sacked my secretary
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,
"Good morning boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered I
worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your
birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard
all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go
where we normally go; we went out to the country to a
little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed
lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to
the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by
my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...............................on the
couch..........................................naked!!!
"Good morning boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered I
worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your
birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard
all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go
where we normally go; we went out to the country to a
little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed
lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to
the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by
my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...............................on the
couch..........................................naked!!!
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say........
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say........
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Laughter - The best medicine
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past. Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
......................................................................
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
......................................................................
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
......................................................................
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
......................................................................
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
Watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
......................................................................
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
--------------------------------------------------
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
--------------------------------------------------
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------------------------------------
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
--------------------------------------------------
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
--------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is
A sick eagle."
---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
......................................................................
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
......................................................................
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
......................................................................
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
......................................................................
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
Watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
......................................................................
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
--------------------------------------------------
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
--------------------------------------------------
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------------------------------------
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
--------------------------------------------------
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
--------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is
A sick eagle."
---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget,
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn?
The more you know, the more you forget,
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn?
Q&A about woman
Q: How can a woman tell if she is flat chested?
A: She will look down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with the them.
Q: Why can't you trust a woman ?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q : Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex ?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for ?
A: Its Braille(blind man's guide) for "suck
Q: Why did God give men penises ?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss but only down under.
Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A: When she has to chew before swallowing it.
Q: Define Bra?[simple words]
A: A modern device used for the upliftment of the downfallen ones.
Q: Define a Bra? [Shakespearean words]
A: Under shoulder boulder holder.
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it Goodyear.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they getup in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!!
A: She will look down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with the them.
Q: Why can't you trust a woman ?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q : Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex ?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for ?
A: Its Braille(blind man's guide) for "suck
Q: Why did God give men penises ?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss but only down under.
Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A: When she has to chew before swallowing it.
Q: Define Bra?[simple words]
A: A modern device used for the upliftment of the downfallen ones.
Q: Define a Bra? [Shakespearean words]
A: Under shoulder boulder holder.
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it Goodyear.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they getup in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!!
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"
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