Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts I t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Shit!

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch . It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. ''

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre ....

Dream

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to

her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day!

What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his
wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find
a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".

Kan Pei

Once there was a Chinese wedding dinner. The dinner occupied only half the restaurant.
The other half was occupied by some American tourists. As the wedding Chinese couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of " KAN PEI .. " (happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder.

One American gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him. " KAN PEI ...!"KAN .... PEI"....!!!" The cheers continued.

Finally, the irritated American couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted.

"IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU...!"

marriage life before n after!

Marriage Life Before and After !!

Before marriage.
Darling here.. darling there...
After marriage.
Baling here... baling there..

Before marriage.
I die for you. . .
After marriage.
"You die, up to you. "
Lagi lama married.
You die I help you!

Before marriage.
You go anywhere. . I follow you.
After marriage. ..
You go anywhere. . up to you .
Lagi lama married.
You go anywhere better get lost!!

Before wedding
you are my heart, you are my love"
After wedding
"you get on my nerves. "

Before wedding
"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding
"you are worse than godzila"

Before wedding
Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
After wedding
Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you
 
Before wedding
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding
You want to go, he says you wait-la

Before wedding
She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding
Don't know whether katak or biawak

I have balls ;P

This was really funny this was written by a Guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I have never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and
Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and
women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I ! am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store.


I walked around with her while she tried on several different
very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I
said,"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That! 's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction fro m all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least
that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Alright girls. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you
disagree, forward it.

Men, forward this because you have balls.

Woman Golfer

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.   The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."     For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.     Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.     Male readers: Please scroll down ... ... . .. ... ... ... .... ... .. ... ... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.   Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!  

MUTHU JOKES

MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER
Interviewer : What is your birth date?
Muthu : 13th October
Interviewer : Which year?
Muthu : ... EVERY YEAR

MUTHU & HIS MANAGER=
Manager asked Muthu at an interview....
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Muthu replied: P-O-S-T-B-O- X

MUTHU & LONDON TRIP
After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, Do I look
like a foreigner?
Wife : No! Why?
Muthu : In London, a lady asked me, "Are you a foreigner?".. that's why ..
Wife : SHOCKED!

MUTHU & TOURIST
One tourist from U.S.A.asked Muthu whether any great man born in this
village or not .. and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here ..
"

MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT
Muthu was doing experiment with cockroach. First he cut it's one leg and
told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked.
Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut
the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered
it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs,
it becomes deaf.
Muthu become a saint!

MUTHU & DRIVER
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver
adjusted mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife ?
Sit back. I will drive.

MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL
Muthu went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he
started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he
doing. Muthu pointed towards the board " WASHBASIN"

MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART
Interviewer : Just imagine your in 20th floor in a building, it caught fire
and how will you escape ?
Muthu : It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination .. :)

Oh .. i forgot .. the funniest part ..
On a political rally Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????
Because, a woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" on her right
chest ... and he did it !

Sweetest revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle ofspring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, thehouse began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning,mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a pricet hat was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving companies pack everything to take to their new home........ .

And to spite the ex-wife; they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

SALT...........

This incident happened on the air....

 Yasmin Yusof, a DJ on Radio 4 asked listeners on her radio program to call to answer trivia questions. The first caller

to give the correct answer would get a prize from the sponsor.

She asked: "Can anyone out there tell me the household name of Sodium Chloride"

A caller who is a housewife called up eager to answer the question. Not knowing the answer to the question, she asked Yasmin for a clue.

"Something you put on your husband's eggs in the morning." She said.

The lady confidently said : "Talcum powder".

Yasmin Yusof did not return to the air until after a few songs!

Innocence at its best

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,





"Then why did you eat him?"

Medical Claim!

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.

The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?'

The man said, 'Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?'

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said,
'There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse' and charged them RM60.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, 'Just exactly what are you trying to find out?'

The man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to
her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la Putrajaya charges
RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00, Le Meridian charges M230.00.
We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from 'Medical Claim'.......!

Does Management really know their Staffs ?

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young boy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him,

How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less,
"I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir.   Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000.00 cash then gave it to the young man and said:
"Around here I  pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!  Here is 3 months 'salary', now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of  sight.
Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner:
"And that applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him,
"Who's the young man that I just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came of,
"He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"

He surprises... and walk away!!

WHO IS THE REAL DONKEY ???? !!!!!!!

Love?

       Love is holding hands in the street.
       Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

       Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
       Marriage is a take home packet.

       Love is cuddling on a sofa.
       Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

       Love is talking about having children.
       Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

       Love is going to bed early.
       Marriage is going to sleep early.

       Love is a romantic drive.
       Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac.

       Love is losing your appetite.
       Marriage is losing your figure.

       Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
       Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

       Tv has no place in love.
       Marriage is a fight for remote control.

       Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
       Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

       Conclusion: "Love is blind , Marriage is an eye opener!"

Killer Jigsaw

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

































"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Questions & Answers

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

Princess Melt.

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal,wood,stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If
your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will
be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a
competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not
melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went
away sadly

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not
melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was
sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the
third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)






























M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Miss Malaysia

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Malaysian Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions: 
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Singapore : Light bulb
Miss Malaysia : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Singapore : Leopard
Miss Malaysia : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Singapore : Lamborghini
Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with  the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Singapore : Lychee
Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!  

T his is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Malaysia : *LAN CIAU*
The Judges fainted..!!!

Printer jam - base on true story!

It's happen in AH Kow Press

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service: What's wrong with it?

Caller: Mouse is jammed and cannot print.

Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?

Caller: Mmmm.. , See I attached a picture for you.......

To all my brainy friends

This puzzle is called  Lateral Thinking . . .

Just Check it Out ! ! !!  


Scroll down slowly  and be honest with yourself.
   

Think like a  wizard . . .

 
 
 

man  
1.  ------------
board

 

Answer  = man overboard

 

Okay,  let's see if you've got the hang of it.

 
 
 
 

stand   
2. ------------
i

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Answer  = I understand

 
 
 
 

OK . .  .

 

 Got the drift ?  

 
 
 
 

Let's try a few now  and see

 

 how you fare ?  

 

3.  /r/e/a/d/i/n/ g/

 

 

 

Answer  = reading between the lines

 
 
 
 

4.   r  
       road  
   a
  d  

 

Answer  = cross road

 
 
 
 

Not having a  good day now, are you ?

 

Redeem  yourself.

 

5.     cycle  
       cycle   
     cycle

 

 

 

Answer  = tricycle

 
 
 
 

Not easy to  figure out ha!

 

 0   
6. ------------  
 M.D.
 Ph.D.  

 

 

 

Answer=  two degrees below zero

 

C'mon give it  a little thought!!

 

 knee   
7. ------------
 light

 

 

 

Answer=  neon light

 

 ( knee - on -  light )

 
 
 
 

U can  prove u r smart by getting this one.

 
 
 
 

                ground  
8.                     ------------ ---  
                  feet feet  feet feet feet feet

 

Answer=  six feet underground

 

Oh no, not  again!!


9.  he's X   himself

 

 

 

Answer  = he's by himself

 

Now u messing  up big time.

 

10. ecnalg  

 

 

 

Answer=  backward glance

 
 
 
 

Not even close  ! !

 

11. death .....  life

 

 

 

Answer= life after death  

 
 
 
 

Okay last  chance ............ ......

 

12. THINK  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Answer = think  big ! !

 

And the last  one is real fundoo - - -

 
 
 
 

13.  ababaaabbbbaaaabbbb ababaabbaaabbbb. .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 
Ans. =   long time no 'C'

Jokes to make u laugh

1.Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
   Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

2. Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.       
    Wife: When must I give them to him?
    Doctor: They are for you.
 
3. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
    At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
    "Take only one. God is watching."
    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
    A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 4. What are the three fastest ways of communication?
    Three fastest means of communication in the world.
    Tele-phone
    Tele-vision
    Tell-a-woman.
    You still want faster?
    (Tell her not to tell anyone )

Poor lady!

                      There was this Asian lady married to an American
                      gentleman  and they lived in Honolulu ...

                      The poor lady was not very proficient in English,
                      but managed to communicate with her husband.  The
                      real problem arose whenever she had to shop for
                      groceries.

                      One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy
                      a leg of mutton She didn't know how to put forward
                      her request, and in desperation, lifted up her
                      skirt to show her thighs.

                      The butcher got the message and the lady went home
                      with mutton legs.

                      The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.
                      Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she
                      unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
                      breast. The lady got what she wanted.

                      The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
                      Unable to find a way to communicate this, she
                      brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll
                      page down.)















                      What were you thinking?


















                      Helloooooooooo , her husband speaks English!!

Britain English vs Malaysia English

Who says our English is teruk? Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.........

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to entre through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time.. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen, why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u !!

Women..

Ok, maybe some women are occasionally pretty complex individuals. But having thought about it, Im wondering if its simplicity that makes us more complicated that we really are?

Perhaps its take a real genius of a man to understand us but I dont believe we're really that intricate, are we? .

Here're some interesting observations about us women....

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3

INTERVIEW REJECTS

   Story I
   E: Do u have a boyfriend?
   C: I have.
   E: Is he working Locally?
   C: No. He is working Overseas.
   E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
   C: Why?
   E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company  don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

   Story II
   E: Any girl friends?
   C: No!
   E: So far chased any before?
   C: Have, but not successful.
   E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a  girlfriend?
   C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This  personal issue.
   E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
   C: Why?
   E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

   Story III
   E: Any girlfriends?
   C: Yes.
   E: Is she pretty?
   C: Not quite.
   E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
   C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
   E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My  company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

   Story IV
   E: Any girlfriends?
   C: Yes.
   E: Is she pretty?
   C: Yes.
   E: Is she your first lover?
   C: Yes.
   E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

   Story V
   E: Any girlfriends?
   C: Yes.
   E: Is she your first lover?
   C: No. Have a few already.
   E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper"!  (Job hoper lah!)

   Story VI
   E: Any boyfriends?
   C: Yes.
   E: Is he rich?
   C: No.
   E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is  dealing with money and you will seduce.

   Story VII
   E: Any boyfriends?
   C: Yes.
   E: Is he rich ?
   C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
   E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want to employ you, neither do we!
   C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
   E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
   C: Secretary!
   E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect  our managers' working spirits.
   C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
   E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!

Diary of a Young Wife..

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.


Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

Malaysian drivers

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver

2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with
cigarette: KEPONG driver.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on accelerator:   JOHOR driver.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the lap: BANGSAR driver.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA.

7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, talking on  cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the Federal Highway!!!

8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window:
KARAK HIGHWAY ; KUANTAN driver.

9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, READY-TO-KILL attitude, rear window stickers read "Make my day", beer cans on floor, wedding ribbon still attached to antenna: CONSTRUCTION SITE....PUCHONG driver!

10.One hand on the handphone, another hand picking nose, One leg on the dash board, another leg crossed on the seat with a beer can in the middle ~~ turning anywhere he likes, parking anywhere he likes, in
fact, driving anywhere he likes. aaahhh..... this is a heaven for drivers...... welcome to PENANG!

11. Two hands gripping tightly to the wheel, eyes glued on the windscreen, alternately stepping on the accelerator and brakes every 5 seconds.WOMAN DRIVER!

funny but true

Three answers most scared by men

1. Whatever
Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

2. Anything
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
Men: Then find a café and have drink
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything

3. You decide
Men: Then we just go home lo
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
Men: Ok we will take Taxi
Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anyting

Be careful when you chat in your work place

Here is something interesting. ..


Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.

(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's)

Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero : OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you!

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... Keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero : Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.
Ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!

Fun things you don't really need to know

There are few things which perhaps we didn't knew, like......

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.

2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

3.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!

8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.

Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in  battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air,the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? Ans. - All invented by women.

18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Ans. - Honey

19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

20. A snail can sleep for three years.

21. All polar bears are left handed.

22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

23. Butterflies taste with their feet.

24.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

25.In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow :P