Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem"

I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes!
Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

T-Shirts that guys wear

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Husband & Wife

Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, " You see, his name is Bill ."


Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, " My lord, not a single child resembles him."


Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."


Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, " Yes I am, I married the wrong man."


Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ."


Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service!"


Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"


Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ."


No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, " I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.


Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. " What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Best salesman of the year

An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".

Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes
Looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?"

"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?

The Indian says, "One"

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day.

How much was the sale for?"

The Indian says, "$101, 237.64."

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The Indian replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we> went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing!!"

The manager fainted...

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

When superheroes get retrenched...

Never put off the work till tomorrow.
What you can put off today.

Smokers only

I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Marlboro,
In the Salem high country
I Always carry a MildSeven
I rode on a White Horse
Going to Kingsway in Kent
It was Lucky Strike I fell in love
With the daughter of Master Duke
Her name Was YSL
We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into room number 555
I laid her on the bad made of Gold Leaf
I played with her two Matterhorns
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!"
You are riding like a mad Camel
When I asked her if she is satisfied
She answered" I want MORE!!!!"
Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to
enter her Gudang Garam.
She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna !!!

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Gifts for the Wife

Three guys are bragging about what they bought their wives:

The first says:
I bought her something which goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds"
The other two guys don't know what he's talking about so he reveals,
"I bought her a nice Porsche"

The second guy says:
"I bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds."
"That HAS to be a Ferrari - right?"
"Yeah that's right! I bought my wife a nice red Ferrari"

The third one says:
"I bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 200 in just 2 seconds."
"THAT CAN'T BE - The Ferrari is the fastest car in the world?!"
"Well - it's not a car, but ........."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"

Cool cK ad

How many letters in the Alphabet?
19, cos ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

Why I sacked my secretary

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,
"Good morning boss. Happy Birthday."

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered I
worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your
birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard
all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go
where we normally go; we went out to the country to a
little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed
lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to
the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by
my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.


And there I sat...............................on the
couch..........................................naked!!!

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say........

Laughter - The best medicine

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past. Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
......................................................................

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
......................................................................

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
......................................................................

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
......................................................................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
Watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
......................................................................

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
--------------------------------------------------

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
--------------------------------------------------

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------------------------------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
--------------------------------------------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is
A sick eagle."
---------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget,
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn?

Keep the dog off!

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Q&A about woman

Q: How can a woman tell if she is flat chested?
A: She will look down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with the them.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman ?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q : Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex ?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for ?
A: Its Braille(blind man's guide) for "suck

Q: Why did God give men penises ?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss but only down under.

Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A: When she has to chew before swallowing it.

Q: Define Bra?[simple words]
A: A modern device used for the upliftment of the downfallen ones.

Q: Define a Bra? [Shakespearean words]
A: Under shoulder boulder holder.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it Goodyear.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they getup in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!!

What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"

How business is done!!!

Raj: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Raj: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Raj approaches Bill Gates.
Raj: "I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Raj: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Raj goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Raj : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Raj : "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

and ....................This is how business is done!!

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

New safety helmet

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk?

Paying with kisses

Read the beyond mails from 2 couples

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart

Your husband

Allen



His wife replied back after some days to her husband:


Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........

5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!

Your Sweet Heart

Josphen

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.

Getting Out of a Ticket

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

Hot husband

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it!!!

Sex Talk

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever… well, you know… does she… well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: "RETURNED UNOPENED"

True Story: Out hunting

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION
REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly
payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and
of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys drive onto a lake
with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for
the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Making a hole in
the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new
Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the
ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast,
along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the
stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the
NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...??? Let's talk about the
dog: a highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed
and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it
hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with
veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and
holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots at the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot,
and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course
terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find the nearest cover, UNDER the brand new
Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot
exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps,
drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then """"""""""KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this
just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by
illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had
yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The
dog is okay!

Newspaper item from Wisconsin.

I was born intelligent
Education ruined me!

Toilet warning!

What do women and condoms have in common?
They spend more time in your wallet then they do on your dick!

Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

Paying For It

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?"
asked the lawyer.

"Oh, I still love him," the chick replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it."

"Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?"
the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that
night her husband put the hard word on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room
and $50 in the bedroom."

"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

Female brain vs Male brain

Male brain :P

An arab was being interviewed at a UScheckpoint.
"Your name pls."?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!!"

Never underestimate how a woman thinks

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty
miles perhour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across
at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but
I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it,"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60
mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there
anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him
and smiles.
...."The airbag."....

Since light travels faster than sound,
People appear bright until you hear them speak.

Problem solving flowchart

When an employment applications asks who is to be notified in case of emergency,
I write: "A very good doctor."

3 Condoms

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says: After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner...thank you for all you give us...!!!"

A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..."

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies:"I didn't know your dad was the pharmacist!!!"

What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments!

Good, Bad & Ugly!

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

on top?

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service,
and sometimes you have to be satisfied
with "self-service"

Couple's jokes

Shut up

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Three Children

A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, Tell me the truth, dear.
Is this third child really mine?
Yes, dear, replied the wife, but the other two are not.

Three Qualities

When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed. After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.

Wishing Well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for awhile but then smiled and said, It really works!
Wedding Anniversary

I asked my wife, Where do you want to go on our anniversary?
She said, Somewhere I have never been!
I told her, How about the kitchen?

Happy Hour

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn t talk for an hour? The hubby replied : Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.

Hand in Hand

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Woman On Phone

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that
she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass
across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had
called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that
picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the
mobile.

Women!!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing
him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she
slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of
the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he
called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present.
Please Try Again Later..."

Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man.
but behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man

Women as explained by engineers

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

Brilliant ways girls turn guys down!!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Woman complaining to dentist: "It ' s so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly.

Dad & daughter

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the
pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the
neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and
he had forgotten everything.

Woman's garage

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

male ear is SELECTIVE!!!

Many times, people say that the women species talk too much...

But there's no problem because the male ear is SELECTIVE!!!

Example...

When the women say:

"This House is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this
Your stuff is all on the floor
! you will be without clothes
if you don´t wash them now !!!"

The male ear only understands:
bla, bla, bla, bla, Honey
bla, bla, bla, bla, You and I
bla, bla, bla, bla, on the floor
bla, bla, bla, bla, without clothes
bla, bla, bla, bla, now !!!

The wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.

Men always have better friends

Men always have better friends...They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!

Friends of Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that she was with them.

Friends of Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them!!

If it's true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?

Confession

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
So why practice?

Mc Donalds Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

If your father is a poor man,
It is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man,
It's your stupidity.

Five Lessons For The Workplace

Story: 1
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. When he found CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent,
excellent!" said the CEO. As his paper disappeared inside the machine,
"I just need one copy."
Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything

Story: 2
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window: "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the
astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up bitch! I said , I
want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir,
but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having
said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to
be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly
man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want
to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the
manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is
giving you a hard time?"
Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

Story: 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA
when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese
are you?"
Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean. The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated,
then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese!, etc......???
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the
Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of
'-key' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkey, or
monkee?"
Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

Story: 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French,
who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a
genie appeared . Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the
bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give
each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the
pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The
Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is
the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted," VODKA" and immersed
himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running
towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped
towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes
what you say accidentally does happen.

Story: 5
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says,
"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will
allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouts, I want the
first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no
worries for a month. "Pfufffff, and he is gone. ! Now the junior
manager could not keep quiet and shouts, "I want to be in Florida with
beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails for a month." Pfufffff,
and he is also gone. Then it's the boss's turn, and he says calmly "I
want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"
Lesson V- "Always allow the bosses to speak first".

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Worst job

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss them

Marriage

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Attractive lady & bartender

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender
who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he
should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks softly caressing his face with both hands.

"Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple
of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck and nip at them
gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her
delicate fingers sliding in and out of his mouth.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper
towels in the ladies room...

Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married

Date Ad

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

"Potentiality" and "Reality"

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potentiality" and "Reality"?"

Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Richar d Gere for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"...
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: "You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

It's bee

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and
screaming in pain " Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: " Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: " You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: " No, you don't understand! I'll put some
cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: " Oh! It happened in the garden where I was
sitting under a tree."'

DOCTOR (in anger): " No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): " On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
" Which one?"

MAN (innocently): " How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If I am teacher, I will kill myself!!!

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Smart Ass Johnny

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to
someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and
said: "I will give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult with her
boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend
says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to
get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She said "The Son of Bitch used coins and I had to keep my word."

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Best ever Google ad...

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Talking to Doctor

[1] Provisional
Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."

"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you
Done anything yet ?"

"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

[2] Unstable
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands
Shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

[3] Better after Surgery

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"

"Yes, of course..."

"Great! I never could before!"


[4] Dumbfounded
Man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


[5] Time Up
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results.
They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could
Be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


[6] Sooner than expected
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.
After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

[7] Poor Diet
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
Carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


[8] Mistaken Cause
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow,
That hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch!
That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,

"Wow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
Diagnosis, "You have a broken finger.

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

only 24 hours to live

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... Just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear."
And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning .... You don't

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why i failed my math test?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Men Are Like Coffee?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Reason Why I Never Visit My Rich Friend

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate,
Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"
Answer: " Tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea, Honey bush tea,
Iced tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?
Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"
Answer: "With cow's milk please.

Question: " Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll just take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water? "
Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst"

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

enjoy the "caffeine"

take a break & rest your mind!
enjoy the "caffeine" here & have a wonderful life!