Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts I t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Shit!

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch . It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. ''

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre ....

Dream

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to

her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day!

What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his
wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find
a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".

Kan Pei

Once there was a Chinese wedding dinner. The dinner occupied only half the restaurant.
The other half was occupied by some American tourists. As the wedding Chinese couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of " KAN PEI .. " (happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder.

One American gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him. " KAN PEI ...!"KAN .... PEI"....!!!" The cheers continued.

Finally, the irritated American couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted.

"IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU...!"